I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
bro what is going on at twitter
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors