Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.