Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “