I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m not proud
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
#CatsOnTwitter
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”