I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Interior design 👌
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine