“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class