“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Good news
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT