“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
You Might Also Like
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.