“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
another case of gang violins
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Is this the real life?
Is this just
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.