I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.

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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school


My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night


robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT


me: can you close the door


If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.


My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”


People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’


Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*


People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.


[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers


Me: I’m gonna call her Claire