My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it鈥檚 all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i鈥檓 trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she鈥檚 pregnant and she鈥檚 not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they鈥檒l lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I can鈥檛 believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Yup
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Do men still open car doors?
That 馃憡
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
This a good idea
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
ugh fine
鈥 guess since i鈥檓 a
pisces i鈥檒l marry aquaman