@Madeline_Wilks

I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.

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@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@ADHDeanASL

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

@Shen_the_Bird

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

@vvunisalevu

If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.

@AbiWilks

My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”

@LuvPug

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@TheAndrewNadeau

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

@PickleRudd

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire