Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

As the Lord intended

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.