I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I think this cat is broken
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.