I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Most Common Source of Electricity
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.