I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.