I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Ape together strong
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up