Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

Good news

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.