Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say