Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.