I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?