I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Story time
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.