I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
When news reporters do sports stories
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Ooops wrong house😂😜
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
life finds a way
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.