I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell