Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

This will never not be funny 😭

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”