Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Howl 😭

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon