I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I need to sieze this.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
our love story in four pictures
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now