I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

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[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this


My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.


I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.


When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around


I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.


Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.


If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won’t be able to come over & visit.


Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.


Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.