@TheBoydP

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

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@rebrafsim

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@Shadrach451

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@AntozWolf

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

@SCbchbum

If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won’t be able to come over & visit.

@mzeld

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

@maconthemoose

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.