I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.