I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™