Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.