Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
You Might Also Like
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…