Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.