Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes