Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

accurate

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.