I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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edward fingerhands
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes