I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.