I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT