“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
#Caturday
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?