I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Gods work.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
