Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil