I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Home is where your toilet is.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.