Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

B

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now