Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.