Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

ibopfufen