I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
😆this is so true
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.