I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself