I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Go girl power!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁