Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries