Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

I think this might be relevant today.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.