An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
english majors be like furthermore
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore