“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
How do you like your Corgi?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.