“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
