I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*ernest hemingway voice*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.