Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

A family that plays together cheats.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.