I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind