I’m having an out of money experience.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”