Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

There is wisdom there.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

My sex drive has a dui