I’m having an out of money experience.
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”