I’m having an out of money experience.
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Bro what is this
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.