I’m having an out of money experience.

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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes



“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.


Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that


If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.


Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work


the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up


british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving


When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.


Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.


she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza