Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

OH. COME. ON.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

ㅤ

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.