Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Good morning

can’t bark with your mouth full

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.