I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.