Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

The Weeknd is back

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

The funk soul brother

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?