I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Every. Damn. Time.
Truth
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I did not eat the cake…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
channeling her this year
