I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*