I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
edward fingerhands
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”