Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

this isn’t threatening at all

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!