Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

so much to do

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.