I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I love wikipedia
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.