Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control