Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Who knew!

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.