I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I can fix him.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?