I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.