I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok