i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
who will stop them
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.