i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
With a text.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
The “baby” on the left….
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.