i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.